Tags
20 weeks, babies, baby loss, detached, fraternal triplets, high risk, lesbians, look at us now, love, MFM, OB, one year later, still loved, stillbirth, stillborn, thatcher cold, too final, triplets, two mom family
Here and there I seem to catch fleeting glimpses of our family and our future.
What seems even crazier is that it is nothing like I saw or even dreamed of a year ago. A year ago, I was a little over seven months pregnant with our son, and what should have been our last child. Now, I sit here a little over five months pregnant with triplets. Life is never quite what you imagine or even dream of that is for sure.
This pregnancy, aside from being chronically exhausted and unable to sleep super good at night has been relatively easy. Yet I feel so very far from it. I was telling Nikki the other day that while I can feel them moving and kicking all day long now (she can feel them kick too) I feel so detached. Maybe, just maybe the simple answer is I know now how horribly wrong things can go in the blink of an eye. I am scared to allow myself to get attached for fear that I could lose them too.
We keep being asked about names and while we do have a running list of names that we add to and take away from almost daily, I just cannot bring myself to put definitive names on these babies. That would make it all too real, all to permanent. We have not really started the nursery although it is still set up from when we were getting ready for Thatcher. I do not feel like I am in any kind of rush or hurry and I think Nikki pretty much feels the same way.
What I can say is very real is how much I do NOT like our MFM these days. She is great at her job and highly recommended but there is no and I mean NO warm and NO fuzzy. Honestly, I feel the last couple of visits she has been extremely rude and condescending as she did huff and roll her eyes at me when I answered a question of hers because she wasn’t pleased with my answer. I wasn’t going to lie to her. I am to the point where I do not think I am comfortable asking her questions either because she is really good at making you feel like an idiot. I talked to my OB about it and he said to switch within their practice. She is the second physician in that practice I have seen. The first, Dr. Feelgood, we saw for our preconception counseling after our loss. Could it be me? Do these specialist have some sort of God complex? I don’t know, but her tune seemed to dramatically change after we elected to NOT selectively reduce this pregnancy. My hell, our reproductive physician, the high risk and both of our OB’s told us from a medical standpoint it was our best option for a favorable outcome. I understand that, but we knew the risks and were comfortable with our decision when we elected to carry on with all three.
She has given me a particularly hard time about my weight gain, or lack there of. I was overweight to begin with which is one of my risk factors in my pregnancy and they wanted me to gain 24 lbs. by 24 weeks and a pound and a half each week after for a total of 40-50 lbs. for the pregnancy. As of my appointment on Tuesday with my OB, I was up almost an entire pound. No, that is not a typo, 1 lb., almost. I did end up seeing our MFM’s nutritionist last Friday because I have not had much of an appetite and she has given me some pointers and help, which is appreciated and she said that the weight goals I was given, at this point are not realistic. She also added that if I were to gain 40-50 lbs. this pregnancy that my chances for hypertension as well as gestational diabetes would increase. My only question to her was would she let the MFM know that I came, to hopefully get her to back of at least a little with it all.
I am doing my best and I know this is not a joke. It is serious. Cut me a little bit of slack, please.
That being said, she did want me to take an early glucose test, which I found out yesterday I passed. That is always a relief. I more than likely will repeat it at around 26 weeks since that is the standard as well, but for now all looked good. We can check that off the list for now. I will see the MFM again this next week and if she is still what I consider to be nasty and cold about it all, I am going to switch physicians within their group, but also locations and start seeing someone in their group at the hospital where I will deliver that is also closer and more convenient to home.
All of that being said, when I saw the MFM last week, the babies weights were all good. 10.2-11.2 ounces each, that was at 19 weeks and it puts them almost to Thatcher’s birth weight at 28w3d. I just have to focus on protein since it all goes straight to the babies, but the nutritionist told me that my pre-pregnancy weight is what my saving grace is.
We are going to tour the NICU next week with the NICU nurse manager who was at our Cuddle Cot donation to the hospital. She’s a sweet lady and was extremely sweet when I reached out. I am interested to know how it all works, the ins and outs as well as visitation and such. I mostly am very anxious to find out if Charlie will be able to come because that is super important to us both, to ensure she is completely and totally included once the babies arrive. I am also hoping we get to see our L&D nurse who was with us in triage but also with us the next day when I delivered our sweet little angel. I am also really hoping that we can have her on our service when our C-section is scheduled. Would be so wonderfully amazing to have her with us again. Even though we do not REALLY know her, to me she feels like a part of my family as she was so amazing with us, and so amazing and wonderful with Thatcher when he was born. It has been a year and I can still hear her talking to him as if he could hear her as she was cleaning him up for us to hold.
I really do have so much more to say, but I am ready for bed. I intend to write almost each night but by 8 PM when Charlie goes down, I am usually down for the count as well.
Much love,
Kerri
My amazing sister sent us home with a haul of diapers and wipes the other day. She’s so amazing, and not just for the diapers.
This is just for comparison. Nikki is in the white, 31 weeks with Charlie, I am in stripes and 19 weeks with the trips. Who is bigger?
This was just a little bit ago, 20 weeks and 3 days. I am trying so hard to grow my hair out.
Baby C-boy and the highest in my uterus.
Baby B- also a boy.
Baby A- our little girl.
and this my friends… is just a reminder.