Bump date

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Seriously guys I may have an addiction. I could easily lie here all day long and just watch these three little nuggets kick and roll around in my stomach. It is such a foreign feeling to me because I never felt that with Thatcher. I would only ever feel him move at night when everything was quite around me and I was in bed and each night, if I were lucky I would feel a few kicks from him. I think part of that is just because he was so small (although we did not know that). At 21 weeks gestation all three of these guys were larger than he was at 28W3D. Now I am cruising into my 25th week and Nikki and I are trying to figure out how much we think they will each weigh.

I met with our OB last week. It was the first time since before I lost Thatcher that I have seen my primary OB. She asked questions about Thatcher’s pregnancy (we had been making the rounds with all of the physician’s in the group when he died) and she was pulling up my file. In the end she probably heard more from me than she wanted and in the grand scheme of things I wasn’t really in the mood to go over it all because at this point, NOTHING is going to change the past.

Let me just add that the only reason I haven’t seen her since before he passed away is because every appointment I had a small window of times and dates available and she never had anything during that time. I have only seen the physician that delivered him since. Now, I am rotating between the two.

Either way, this past week got some news that I consider a downer. My BP was slightly elevated at 130/88 (it has been super awesome until now), my Iron is starting to drop (I am on over the counter meds now for that), and I had a plus one protein in my urine. The first and the third are precursors to preeclampsia. Needless to say the OB said to take it easy and they are going to check me again in two weeks instead of a month. The wife however has put me on bed rest when I am not at work! Not saying it is a bad thing, getting to lie around is great but I also feel like I should be doing something.

Preparations seem to be coming along for the babies. We have picked out our cribs, and thanks to a friend have two of the three of them already up and we ordered the third one just a few days ago. We bought two of our car seats the other day and then our beastie (I know it is spelt wrong) surprised us and bought the third. At least for now we could get them all home from the hospital. We have also picked out our bedding colors. The grey and blue will be for both of the boys and the orange is for our little lady. We are still trying to figure out our décor for the walls, but we are getting there. Friends and family have been buying things here and there for us like diapers and clothes and such. We have started storing diapers under the cribs and you should see the closet. Hoping to attach a few pictures.

Our shower won’t be until after the babies arrive, or should arrive. My sister is throwing the shower for us and we were all worried if we planned the shower too early and the wheels fell off it would be rough or a jinx and if we planned it too late I would be on bed rest and unable to attend. We never had a chance to do a shower for Thatcher, so it feels like a big deal. Who am I kidding; there are three little babies in my stomach. It is a big deal. Thankfully we finished our registry two weeks ago at Babies R Us, so that if I do end up going out on mandatory bed rest that is taken care of. It’s the little things, right?

I have to add before I close this out that I am so very thankful for a job that allows me to work from home a few days a week and a boss that has been more than understanding and awesome though all of this. The few days a week that I am in the office totally wear me out. So much so that I am typically in bed when Charlie goes to bed as well and I am weeks and weeks behind on my shows and I don’t even care. Sleep is so much more important to me and even though I get into bed it never fails to wake up in the middle of the night and I am up for a minimum of an hour or so. Nikki suggested trying to go to bed later than I have been, but I just cannot make it. I am exhausted. Plus these three nuggets really like to move around and kick and turn and everything else during the night. It has been an adjustment, but I am so very thankful to be where I am today without a doubt.

Speaking of, it is 7:10 PM and I am ready to go crawl into bed! My wife is so very lucky that I am such an exciting person since tomorrow is our one-year anniversary of being legally married. Happy Anniversary babe it has been a great and wonderful 12 years so far.

XO- Kerri

 

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Babies R Us Haul

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The closet already (we need a bigger room)

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Baby girl’s bedding and crib
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The boys bedding

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My loves pulling out the carseats.

Three pounds

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Three pounds worth of babies that is.

The best news of the week is that the babies have hit the one-pound mark and they did so at 21-weeks. That is a feat that our sweet Thatcher never hit as he was only 13.3 oz. at birth as a 28 weeker.

I went into the High Risk on Thursday ready to ask the doctor what exactly her problem was with us and why she was so incredibly cold but I never got around to that because some incredibly cheerful woman who looked just like our doctor walked into the room and spent over an hour with us redoing the ultrasound. She does this every time but this time was different, she wasn’t cold and she wasn’t in a rush. She talked about her family and seemed very relaxed this time.

I almost dreaded the response I would get from her when I asked at the end how everyone was looking. Her exact words were, “these babies are total rock stars.” She added that she has finally seen all the anatomy, scanned and gotten everything and that they looked amazing. It can be a bit harder with triplets to get all of the anatomy sometimes, but it is also tough because I was overweight to begin with which does not help out the ultrasound machine. Then, out of the kindness of her heart, she told me I was totally rocking this pregnancy. My BP was 124/82, I passed my early glucose test with flying colors, the babies weights were doing fantastic, my cervix is nice and long right at 5 cm, the babies are a little ahead of where they would have hoped to see them and I have only gained a pound. She didn’t cheer my lack of weight gain, but she did cheer everything else. This is the first appointment where I felt good after seeing her, good about the babies, good about my ability to carry them, reassured (not that she said it) but that we made the right choice in NOT reducing this pregnancy, I just felt good. Outside of being chronically exhausted I have NO complaints about this pregnancy thus far which I think is great. I needed this appointment for my mental health if nothing else. It was nice to hear her say though that the babies looked and were doing amazing and that she hopes it’s just clear sailing from here until they arrive. Thatcher must be looking after us all.

It is sometimes hard to be excited about this pregnancy just because it must mean that I am okay with loosing Thatcher, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. But today, I feel blessed.

We really have a lot to get done before the babies get here but there is a huge part of me that just is in no rush. We keep a running list of names, but I don’t want to make anything final, it makes it too real. The nursery is in disarray and there is only one crib for now (but they will all sleep together for a while when they get home anyways). I’m just taking it as it comes.

Monday marked one year since I gave birth to Thatcher. I wrote a post 10 days after he died that talked about how we had survived ten days. I never thought I would have survived 365 days. I never thought that a year later I would be okay, I assumed I would still be thinking about how much better it would just be if it were all over, if life was just over. It is crazy and wild how time really does heal things.

We are a part of a private FB group for triplet moms and our specific group is tailored to mothers who will deliver their babies in 2016. A mother in our group had her triplets about two weeks ago. She was posting pictures in the hospital before the C-section and pictures after with the babies. A few days after her own discharge, with babies still in the NICU she ended up in the ER with severe chest pains. They thought she was just having a panic attack because she had just given birth to triplets but ended up finding a pulmonary embolism. While she was there she posted pictures getting to hold all three babies for the first time and then the next post that came, ten days after delivery was that she had died. It has freaked me out a bit I must say. I am on blood-thinners due to my clotting disorder (which is what killed Thatcher) and I asked the high risk about the above scenario. She said that I would stay on my thinners for six weeks post partum to try to help prevent such an issue since they already know I have a clotting factor.

The lady who passed was younger than me by a few year and had two young children at home plus the triplets in the NICU and now her husband is left to care for them all on his own. It is just heartbreaking.

I best call it a night as my 5 year old just projectile vomited (can I please take a Xanax) all over the bathroom with almost no warning and now appears to have some sort of stomach bug. Here’s to a three-day weekend.

XO-

Kerri

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The tech was scanning baby C (A and B had already been done) and all of the sudden the heads of all three appeared in the same image. It’s a family shot and they are labeled.

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This is baby C looking straight at you, we were joking it looked a little like Deadpool.

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This is a great shot of baby B, the bubble by his mouth is actually his umbilical chord.

Did you think I’d crumble?

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Over and over today I have been singing the Gloria Gaynor song, I Will Survive to myself.

You see, today is the last of all of our firsts with our sweet angel Thatcher. Today is his 1st birthday and yesterday was the day we found out that he had died.

All day yesterday I could feel the freight train coming. I couldn’t see it, but I could feel it. Much like we could feel a train on the tracks when we were kids and we would put pennies on the tracks and wait for the train to pass and then pick them back up. I kept thinking to myself, this time last year I was in triage finding out that our little man had died. I could close my eyes and be swept right back into those moments, recounting almost ever moment and every second of those two days.

Eventually the train rolled right in and right over both Nikki and I, and there was nothing we could do to stop it. It was a rough night for sure.

Today Thatcher turned one. It is hard to believe that it has been one year since I’ve held him in my arms and since I have gazed upon his face. Today was the last of our firsts without him. I don’t know if it ever gets any easier, being the mother of a stillborn is something that will always be a part of who we are.

I spoke to another mother today who lost her sweet daughter shortly after we lost Thatcher. She is expecting a new baby as well and is several weeks ahead of us. We were messaging back and forth today about how it is so hard to be excited about where we are in our pregnancies because it feels like somehow being excited about it means we are somehow okay with having lost Thatcher.

I took the day off today.

I made arrangements last week for Nikki and I to go do a tour of the NICU where we will deliver today, which is the same hospital where I delivered Thatcher. The only thing in my opinion that would have made the trip better was if our L &D nurse had been working today so that we could see her, unfortunately she was off.

We had met the NICU Nurse Manager last year at our Cuddle Cot donation to the hospital and our OB speaks highly of her so I reached out and she was more then happy to have us. I wasn’t sure how it would feel being there, I do not think either of us knew but it was a great experience. We now know and have a copy of their rules, we know what to expect and how things work.

If none of our babies are on a ventilator they seem to think that they will all be in the same room with two nurses assigned to them. If we have one that needs an actual ventilator there will not be enough room for all three in the same room. We also found out that Charlie will be able to visit which is a big deal for both of us. They walked us around and showed us everything and introduced us to a lot of the nurses and support staff such as NICU respiratory therapist and one of the NICU physicians that was in as well.

I must say it is nice getting just a small feel for it and seeing how well some of the tiniest babies are doing. We saw one that was only 1lb7oz. He was so tiny, but he was doing so well. Only had an oxygen cannula and feeding tube. That is amazing.

We ended the day by signing Happy Birthday to Thatcher with a cupcake and candle that Charlie got to blow out and then eat.

At this point it is way past my bedtime and I am about to fall flat on my face so I must finish here even though I have so much more to write about our day.

Much Love,

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19 and 20 weeks.

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Here and there I seem to catch fleeting glimpses of our family and our future.

What seems even crazier is that it is nothing like I saw or even dreamed of a year ago. A year ago, I was a little over seven months pregnant with our son, and what should have been our last child. Now, I sit here a little over five months pregnant with triplets. Life is never quite what you imagine or even dream of that is for sure.

This pregnancy, aside from being chronically exhausted and unable to sleep super good at night has been relatively easy. Yet I feel so very far from it. I was telling Nikki the other day that while I can feel them moving and kicking all day long now (she can feel them kick too) I feel so detached. Maybe, just maybe the simple answer is I know now how horribly wrong things can go in the blink of an eye. I am scared to allow myself to get attached for fear that I could lose them too.

We keep being asked about names and while we do have a running list of names that we add to and take away from almost daily, I just cannot bring myself to put definitive names on these babies. That would make it all too real, all to permanent. We have not really started the nursery although it is still set up from when we were getting ready for Thatcher. I do not feel like I am in any kind of rush or hurry and I think Nikki pretty much feels the same way.

What I can say is very real is how much I do NOT like our MFM these days. She is great at her job and highly recommended but there is no and I mean NO warm and NO fuzzy. Honestly, I feel the last couple of visits she has been extremely rude and condescending as she did huff and roll her eyes at me when I answered a question of hers because she wasn’t pleased with my answer. I wasn’t going to lie to her. I am to the point where I do not think I am comfortable asking her questions either because she is really good at making you feel like an idiot. I talked to my OB about it and he said to switch within their practice. She is the second physician in that practice I have seen. The first, Dr. Feelgood, we saw for our preconception counseling after our loss. Could it be me? Do these specialist have some sort of God complex? I don’t know, but her tune seemed to dramatically change after we elected to NOT selectively reduce this pregnancy. My hell, our reproductive physician, the high risk and both of our OB’s told us from a medical standpoint it was our best option for a favorable outcome. I understand that, but we knew the risks and were comfortable with our decision when we elected to carry on with all three.

She has given me a particularly hard time about my weight gain, or lack there of. I was overweight to begin with which is one of my risk factors in my pregnancy and they wanted me to gain 24 lbs. by 24 weeks and a pound and a half each week after for a total of 40-50 lbs. for the pregnancy. As of my appointment on Tuesday with my OB, I was up almost an entire pound. No, that is not a typo, 1 lb., almost. I did end up seeing our MFM’s nutritionist last Friday because I have not had much of an appetite and she has given me some pointers and help, which is appreciated and she said that the weight goals I was given, at this point are not realistic. She also added that if I were to gain 40-50 lbs. this pregnancy that my chances for hypertension as well as gestational diabetes would increase. My only question to her was would she let the MFM know that I came, to hopefully get her to back of at least a little with it all.

I am doing my best and I know this is not a joke. It is serious. Cut me a little bit of slack, please.

That being said, she did want me to take an early glucose test, which I found out yesterday I passed. That is always a relief. I more than likely will repeat it at around 26 weeks since that is the standard as well, but for now all looked good. We can check that off the list for now. I will see the MFM again this next week and if she is still what I consider to be nasty and cold about it all, I am going to switch physicians within their group, but also locations and start seeing someone in their group at the hospital where I will deliver that is also closer and more convenient to home.

All of that being said, when I saw the MFM last week, the babies weights were all good. 10.2-11.2 ounces each, that was at 19 weeks and it puts them almost to Thatcher’s birth weight at 28w3d. I just have to focus on protein since it all goes straight to the babies, but the nutritionist told me that my pre-pregnancy weight is what my saving grace is.

We are going to tour the NICU next week with the NICU nurse manager who was at our Cuddle Cot donation to the hospital. She’s a sweet lady and was extremely sweet when I reached out. I am interested to know how it all works, the ins and outs as well as visitation and such. I mostly am very anxious to find out if Charlie will be able to come because that is super important to us both, to ensure she is completely and totally included once the babies arrive. I am also hoping we get to see our L&D nurse who was with us in triage but also with us the next day when I delivered our sweet little angel. I am also really hoping that we can have her on our service when our C-section is scheduled. Would be so wonderfully amazing to have her with us again. Even though we do not REALLY know her, to me she feels like a part of my family as she was so amazing with us, and so amazing and wonderful with Thatcher when he was born. It has been a year and I can still hear her talking to him as if he could hear her as she was cleaning him up for us to hold.

I really do have so much more to say, but I am ready for bed. I intend to write almost each night but by 8 PM when Charlie goes down, I am usually down for the count as well.

Much love,

Kerri

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My amazing sister sent us home with a haul of diapers and wipes the other day. She’s so amazing, and not just for the diapers.

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This is just for comparison. Nikki is in the white, 31 weeks with Charlie, I am in stripes and 19 weeks with the trips. Who is bigger?

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This was just a little bit ago, 20 weeks and 3 days. I am trying so hard to grow my hair out.

 

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Baby C-boy and the highest in my uterus.

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Baby B- also a boy.

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Baby A- our little girl.

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and this my friends… is just a reminder.

As a child… you could not grow up fast enough

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As a child all I wanted to do was grow up, I wanted it a faster and I wanted it now. I wanted to drive a car, I wanted to be able to buy cigarettes and/or beer legally, and I wanted to be able to live on my own so that I had no one to tell me what to do. As a child my mom would remind me ever so gently that I would reach a point in my life where time would go by way to fast and I would be begging for it to slow down.

Over the years as my daughter as aged I have had moments that I catch myself thinking, “Where has the time gone?” She is almost six and sometimes it is so incredibly hard to remember her as a little baby. She is not a baby anymore; she is my five year old that is already over four feet tall. She is a little lady. I have thought a great deal over the last few days about where the time has gone. Mostly because we are approaching Thatcher’s first birthday which means it has been almost a year since I have seen his sweet face and since I was able to hold him in my arms. It has been almost a year ago that my world crashed around me.

As I write, I am 19 weeks pregnant with his triplet siblings. It is a bitter sweet taste for sure. You see, we were going to be done with two. Two is a manageable number and everyone would get individual time with us. Two wouldn’t cost a small fortune to fly to the west to see Nikki’s family. Two was good for us, it was good for me. After we lost Thatcher, we pretty quickly talked about starting over when we were mentally prepared for it. More than anything we did not want to leave our daughter as an only child. I really struggled thinking about more children for the simple fact that any additional children would only be here because we lost Thatcher.

Plain and simple right?

I am carrying a baby sister and two baby brothers to both of our children and the only reason they are here is because he is not. Seems like a heavy burden to place on someone. It is no secret that losing my religion and losing a child has weighed on my dramatically. I still do not know what it is that I believe in anymore, however I cannot help but think that Thatcher had a hand in all of this and that he is watching over the little ones I am currently carrying; perhaps he even helped them pick us out as their parents. We will never know, but that is what I hope. I do find myself praying again, for these babies and for a safe pregnancy and that we can get them all here safely.

Speaking of the triplets.

We had an appointment last week (like most weeks) and they actually weighed them. How they do that, I am not 100% sure, but I liked what I heard. Baby A which is a girl weighed in at 8 whopping ounces (our little half a pounder) and the boys both came in respectively at 7 oz. a piece which puts all three of them a few days ahead of the actual gestational age. This is great news because at this point in my previous pregnancy our little Thatcher was already behind even though at the time we did not understand the gravity of the issue. The hope is that I will make it to 32 weeks. I did ask our High Risk since she has the final say so in everything how far she would allow me to go with the pregnancy IF everything went off without any issues. She feels pretty confident that she would pull the plug no later than 35 weeks. I’m already half way there, so that is now my goal. At 35 weeks it should hopefully cut down on the NICU stay for the babies and give them the best chances.

I have already been told that I will have a C-section and that if I had thought for even a moment that it would have been a vaginal birth that I can kiss that notion goodbye. I don’t think vanity is an issue of mine, have you seen me? I like the idea of a C-section, it means they are out within just a few minutes and being cared for by NICU doctors and nurses and as far as the babies are concerned I believe it leave less room for error with them.

Nikki and I have talked, and I really really want her to leave the OR the moment the babies do. I want someone with them at all times. She stresses about that as I will still more than likely be cut up and that there is still room for issues with me. At this point, I do not care though. My mom and sisters will be close by so that someone could easily get to me. I am going to ask the Dr. if I have have two people in the OR with me just for this occasion with wanting Nikki to stay with the babies.

I would really write so much more but I will try to get to the other stuff in a few days.

 

Love to you all, wherever you are.

 

15w6d

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Not even sure where to start. I know I owe an update but I do feel the need to start with a funny story my sister called me with today.

My nephew is 11 years old and in 6th grade. Today in class they were discussing South America. He raised his hand to say that his aunt (that would be me) went on a mission trip to Brazil for two years. Pretty good for a kid who was not even a twinkle in his parents eyes while I was in Brazil. Apparently some kid stated to him (the teacher did not hear this) that if I went to Brazil it was to be a hooker and that I must really love dicks. He told my sister all of this and that it took everything in him not to punch the kid in the face for saying that about me.

That is kind of a proud moment for me. I told him to go for it next time or just perhaps tell him that his aunt is a lesbian and that dicks are not on the menu. Either way, I got a good laugh out of it and I am proud for my nephew, as his response to the kid was that he was wrong and did not know anything.

While I was in Brazil, hooking was not on the menu either just to be clear.

So, where are we now?

I am 15w6d pregnant with triplets. Kind of amazing huh?

We got to see the babies again today, but I need to start with last weeks high risk appointment.

I was 14w6d and baby A was measuring 15w1d and babies B and C were measuring 15w2d respectively. I am starting to see more of the cut and dry with the MFM and not really any warm and fluffy. She is nice enough, but the point is she is damn good at her job and that is what we need her for. Not to be baby-sat though this process or any of the above, but to give us the good and the bad and ugly if there is any. Guess what though, for now there is not any bad and ugly.

Do not get me wrong, my blood disorder coupled with a triplet pregnancy raises enough concerns on its own, but at this point in my pregnancy with Thatcher he was already falling behind and so far these three look great. NT scan is fine, they did a ton of measurements last week and they said everything looks proportionate in comparison to the gestational age. SCORE.

The MFM did say that she felt comfortable giving us our genders. She said that there is a chance it could change (isn’t there always?) but that based on what she could see it appeared as though:

Baby A-Girl
Baby B-Boy
Baby C-Boy

That would give us an equal pair of living children. Charlie would get the best of both worlds in the fact that she would have brothers (who would have each other in a predominantly female household) but that she would also get a sister.

I do take a shot in my stomach everyday that is a blood thinner to try and keep my body from clotting off the placentas. The only headache there is that she wants me to go back to the Hematologist who recommended my dosage to manage that. I am going to call that physician tomorrow to see if he can just send her the recommendation and go from there. I really do not want to pay for yet another appointment when I know that my dosage is for 1 mg per kilo. The MFM has that info as well but apparently wants it spelled out a little better. We will see.

If you fast-forward to today, I met with my OB. I think this is the first time in my life I am worried that I have not gained any weight at this point. The MFM had said by 24 weeks I needed to gain 24 lbs. and so far, I am a pound down from where I was at my last OB appointment. To be healthy for the babies, they say I need to gain 40-50 lbs. total. Well guess what, I am half way to the 32 week mark and nothing.

That being said, I have NO food cravings and feel like I am eating more out of necessity then I am out of a want. Food just does not do it for me right now and even when my stomach growls I do not feel like eating. I am not sure what to do here but I am going to be seeing a nutritionist in the next two weeks or so. I want to do the best I can for these little guys in a healthy way.

The OB said they really won’t be doing any of our scans, but he did take us to an U/S room today and verified heartbeats on all three as well as gave us a few pictures. They didn’t have a tech there as we were the last appointment, but he did pretty good. I went in with a list of questions, all of which he thankfully had answers for which eased a lot of my worries. It was funny to see on the U/S as it appeared that our little girl was repeatedly kicking both of her brothers in the head. They were all flip-flopping a lot and one had the hiccups.

He did say with almost certainty that these guys would come via C-section and that if we make it to 32 weeks with no growth restriction that they should be “fat” little babies by NICU standards.

Next up will be the MFM again next week.

Until then, enjoy the pics.

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This first pic is baby B’s head (left) looking at baby A (right

 

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Baby A

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Baby C

 

Just a few little things

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It has been a while since I have written; I think about seven weeks or so to be exact. It may be sporadic at best during this pregnancy that I write, or at minimum write about the pregnancy that is.
That feels a bit crazy to say because typically speaking I am an over sharer. This pregnancy just feels different and I want more than anything to protect my heart as best as possible as well as my families.

All of our physicians pushed for selective reduction, four to be exact. Those were are Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE), Perinatologist (MFM), and two OBs. I have to admit, when you look at the statistics in the United States for carrying triplets for someone who is healthy, they just are not stellar and with my blood disorder coupled with my amazing pregnancy history, they could not put a definitive number on it, but only said it would be high. However, with two they said the numbers would increase dramatically.

It was a hard decision, excruciating to say the least. I always thought that I knew where I stood with regards to any type of pregnancy reduction, for any reason. I felt firm in those thoughts and feelings until I was in that position. It turned my world upside down and I can honestly say the only other time I have ever felt that low and down in my life is when we lost our son Thatcher this year. Looking at it from a medical standpoint, reducing our triplet pregnancy made complete sense.

Our hearts just could not catch up.

After losing a child, I do not think either of us could imagine “choosing” to lose one. Things seemed to turn a corner on the emotional scale after we passed the “last date” we could reduce and honestly I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

We had our nuchal scan last week and thankfully now we can report that there was no glaring issues that the MFM saw. We go back next week and hope to find out the sexes of the babies. Happy New Year to us, right?

Anyone want to take a stab or best guess in the comments of this blog? Would be fun. We do have names for the most part but only two boy names and two girl names. We might have to come up with a third on either side of that scale. We will see.

Now that the second trimester has come in I am happy to report that the horrible morning sickness has for the most part subsided and I am not nearly as tired.

The hope is to make it to 32 weeks. IF we can get to at least 28 weeks, they have a really good shot. Prayers… chants… or whatever you do, please include us.

 

We did get Thatcher a stocking this year. It is a mini stocking, but we wanted to ensure that he was represented. Charlie wanted to hang his stocking on top of hers. It is so sweet and touching. The funeral home that took care of Thatcher’s remains also gave us an angel ornament this year with his name and date of birth. Sweet and thoughtful is what it is. It is the kindest of gestures that goes a long with my family and an ornament that will be specially hung each and every year.
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Anyways. That is our news for now.

Merry Christmas to you all.
 

Oh- with each of our pregnancies we have bought just a stuffed animal in the first trimester. Charlie’s was an elephant, Thatchers was a frog. We picked up these little gems for the triplets a few weeks ago.

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Easy go

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We announced that we are pregnant on FB (which unfortunately is the easiest way these days to spread the news).

We were not sure if and when we were going to do it, but last night a funny thing happened and I thought it was great.

We were doing laundry together, as normal. We were putting up the dried clothes and a Heineken beer cap was in our dried clothes. Nichole held it up to me, while gently shrugging her shoulders and said, “I don’t drink Heineken.” It is funny because it almost seemed as though she was asking if it was me and my reply back was “I’m pregnant.” That is pretty much how we announced followed with Baby Bailey due April 2016.

We left out the fact that there are three babies in there. We will save that for another time and date, which will more than likely be delivery. We will see though because I am not typically great at keeping these kinds of things a secret. We have told our daughter that we are pregnant as well, but did not let on to how many. Just incase something were to happen, we want to really lessen the impact on her. Losing Thatcher was rough on us all, but what made it almost unbearable was seeing her cry for her little brother.

Things have been interesting the last week or two. Not really where the pregnancy is related although I already have three babies the size of grapes in my belly. Things have been a bit of a struggle figuring out exactly where I stand and how I feel about some of the new information that the LDS church, a church to which I still belong, has put out about children of gay families.

The fact that the child of a gay parent, or should I say actively gay parent and/or family cannot have a name blessing (which is done shortly after birth) OR chose to be baptized (happens at the age of 8 for children born in the church) until they reach the age of 18 and renounce same-sex marriage and move out of their home is just crazy. This new “rule” goes directly against what is known within the church as the 2nd Article of Faith, which states, “ 2 We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression.

First, I have to state that I do not believe that being gay is a sin, or any type of bad choice, but for the purpose of writing this, just go with me. Based on the churches teachings, we are only held accountable for our own actions and not the actions of others, but forbidding a child to be baptized is holding them accountable for the actions of others. I know I have friends and family who will disagree with this, but there is simply no other way to put it. It is also teaching the child in a gay family that somehow they are less than their peers- on so many levels. It is ridiculous and I for one simply cannot put up with it.

I mean honestly, who would? It is exclusionary in every since of the word, and WHY on earth would I want to belong someone that excludes ANYONE? It sure does not follow the motto etched into the sides of their buildings that states “visitors welcome.” That is a joke as it has been made clear many times over the years that we are not welcome, and now it rolls over to my child- my children. That is where I draw the line. When my children reach the age of 18, why would they ever WANT to belong somewhere that for so many years told them they were not worthy to be baptized? Why would my children want to belong somewhere that excludes others and requires that they renounce basically the families that raised them and loved them so much? Why?

So, after careful thought and much consideration, and well since I am an apostate anyways, I am writing to have my name removed from the churches records, at this point it is just about the paperwork anyways and I am not going to afford someone the satisfaction of trying to call me into a church court and want to discuss my life just to excommunicate me? No thanks…  It is a chapter that I am sad to see close in my own personal life as I naively clung to the hopes that one day we would be welcomed and treated as equals. It was home.

I could write on and on about this, but for now all I can say is that my heart is broken and another day I just might. But for now….

Also.. I saw this on people and while it has strong language that I am not necessarily a fan of or some of what’s being said, this kid seems pretty smart. Comedian reads 18 year olds church resignation letter (to my LDS friends who follow my blog, just a forewarning, don’t watch the link).

A little bit of an update

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Life doesn’t line up in a perfectly straight line, not like you hope and even pray for. It would be nice however to avoid the oncoming curve ball every now and then though.

I have debated for weeks on what to write and when to write it.

I have not written for several reasons. (1) What I have to write about still feels very raw and I feel very emotional (2) my wife has really wanted us to keep this within our family for now.

It has finally boiled down to the fact that I need to write. I don’t have many followers on my blog, and I do not intend to share this on Facebook anytime in the near future, so for those of you who read this blog, and are on my Facebook, please keep it to yourself for now.

We found out about 6 ½ weeks ago that we were pregnant. Yay. I was 10 DPO (days past ovulation) when I peed on a stick and received a faint positive. That was a Thursday night. I did it again Friday with the same outcome, and all though the weekend. I didn’t reach out to our RE until that Monday. I had a hard time believing it was actually positive, even after five positive pregnancy tests.

My first beta was almost 200 and for the next two weeks it climbed just as it should. We ended up having our first ultrasound a week earlier than normal because the nurse miscounted how many weeks I was at. Good for us!

On the way to the first ultrasound I was nervous. The last ultrasound I had to check on a baby was the one that confirmed out son, Thatcher, was dead. I did tell Nikki however that I wanted to call it on the way down. I said we would be having twins and she called a singleton. I had long thought that we would have twins the next go around. I think I even wrote about it in a previous blog.

I was shocked when the ultrasound tech turned the screen to show us our baby. You couldn’t hear the heartbeat, but you could see it. I was only 5w6d and it was measuring right on target. While I was relieved and happy, I was shocked that I was so wrong. I was sure we were going to have twins; I knew it in my heart. After the tech finished all of the measurements she moved the wand a little and low and behold a second sac appeared. Nikki leaned over my stomach to look and kept pointing and saying, “what’s that, what’s that.” Our tech got excited as well and she said it looks like things were going to get interesting. There ended up being three sacs in all however the third sac was almost not even measurable and you couldn’t see anything inside it.

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I know this may sound harsh, but I was okay with it being two. Our RE had said that with the meds I took, multiples were a possibility, and that with my APS (the issue that ended up killing Thatcher) it would be hard for me to carry multiples and that if we hit three, we would need to have serious talks about selective reduction. To me, this was God’s way of saying, “I am taking the hard decisions out of your hands.” I felt for the first time in a while that He had me, that He had us, and that this was a part of His plan. Either way, two babies was plenty, more than enough and we left thankful.

Our tech and RE both said that the third sac would just absorb and at this point it was highly unlikely that it would develop into anything but they scheduled us for the following week to check everything out and to keep my mind at ease.

The date of our second ultrasound, our favorite tech got us again (she typically does) and said lets check on the triplets. She was joking. It was all fun and games until we got into the ultrasound to discover not only had the third sac not gone away, it had grown, developed a heartbeat, and caught up to the other two.

So basically what I am trying to say is that we are pregnant, with TRIPLETS.

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This next part is where it gets hairy and personal. If you have a nasty comment, I simply ask that you keep it to yourself.

Our RE is pushing for us to reduce by one; it is called a selective medical reduction. Either way you shake it, the procedure is an abortion. We will be meeting with the MFM about this in a couple of weeks just to hear her out and to know what our options and chances are for a successful triplets pregnancy. Our RE said that while we do know some of the risks with my blood disorder, we do not truly understand how risky this pregnancy is and how quickly things can go sour. He hopes that the MFM will scare the “shit” out of us with the stats.

We are going to look at all options, but neither one of us can imagine “choosing” to let a child go. It seems like it is worth the risk to try to get them all here even though we could potentially risk all of them.

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This was the third ultrasound that was this week. All are healthy and good.

I thought that the third sac not having a heartbeat was Heavenly Father watching out for us. I am not sure now what to think other than perhaps number three is a miracle and this is a part of His plan. I am lost though and I feel as though I do not know what to even pray for at this time. My best guess is peace and a healthy pregnancy but I think spiritually I feel even more lost, just when I thought I was making a turn for the best. Curveballs.

So my 32-week due date should be two days before Thatcher’s due date (and around the time of what should be his first birthday). I cannot help but think that if it were not for the loss of my sweet little man, these three blessings would not be here. If for nothing more, at least for now

So there you have it my friends. This momma is carrying triplets who for now are totally healthy based on (three ultrasounds and their heart rates) and this momma and mother are a little freaked out. Send good vibes our way, pray for us, chant or whatever it is you do, but we could use it.

Much love my friends.

Kerri

Rough

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Today was rough.

We had our second IUI today coupled with another great sperm count and thankfully we had our regular RE as well. Usually after he does the IUI he will say as he is walking out of the room, “may the force be with you.” WE had to stop him this time to remind him and when he turned back around he also came back and said something to me that he apparently made with his daughter years before she thought he was a nerd. It was an elfin prayer and was pretty freaking cool if you ask me.

Here’s hoping that one of the 42+ million sperm that are cruising through my body will find and fertilize one of the five eggs that are mature and waiting on a date!

So now we are in the dreaded two week wait just like any other couple who is trying to get pregnant. The only difference for me is that I have to take a daily shot each morning to try to prevent my body from producing clots that could harm a potential fetus. If I am in fact pregnant, I will stay on the Lovenox shots until we get a baby here.

After the IUI today I did have some pretty bad cramping, this has only happened one other time. I was cramping enough that I was sweating, which could be a result of all of the hormone injections I’ve been giving myself the last two weeks, but it was rough enough that I really felt like I was going to throw up. I took a nap which got ride of the later, but here it is almost twelve hours after the last IUI and I still feel really crampy in my nether regions and a little hot even though the air is on 68 degrees right now.

Here’s hoping that something fertilizes and that something sticks.

I am off to bed, here’s hoping I feel better in the morning.